My Boyfriend’s Mother and an Explanation of Abusive Relationships

I have been dating my boyfriend for three years, I love him dearly and I’m pretty sure this is forever. His family is overall wonderful and sweet. He has an older sister, younger brother, and younger sister. I get along with all of them and I got along with his parents up until about mid-June.

Now, his stepfather isn’t the one I don’t get along with, he’s just on his wife’s side; which I completely understand. To give you a bigger picture of what my boyfriend’s mother is like let me flesh out her character.

My boyfriend was very nervous for me to meet his mother and at the time I didn’t know why, she seemed normal. In fact when I first got to know her I thought she was a strong feminist, loving, fun, and energetic woman. At the time I wasn’t dating my bf, that didn’t happen until six months into our friendship. Anyway, she was very open and kind to me, and she continued to be up until June.

Then after a few weeks I started to see why my boyfriend was nervous. His mother would scream “The Girl!” whenever I would enter their home and would refer to me as “The Girl” to everyone. After a while the “nickname” got to me. I have a name a wonderful name… she never used it. She drank… a lot… At the time I thought it was just because I happened to be around when she drank, now I have an inkling that she’s a raging alcoholic. She would get in fights with strangers about ridiculous things that were none of her business. At the time I thought it was because she stood up for what she believed in, now I think it’s because she drama-vampire (those who feed/live off of dramatic situations).

Every day it seemed she lived on a vicarious edge between brilliant and insane. She kicked in the basement window because my boyfriend wasn’t fast enough coming upstairs. She kicked in the house door window, because she was locked out. I saw her kick their dog. She would get in physical fights with her husband and scratch him. She’s kicked her husband out multiple times, but he always returns. She threatens to kill herself when she doesn’t get her way. She’s called her oldest daughter a liar, a bitch, and many other awful names. She’s accused this daughter of trying to keep her grandchild away from her. Let me just say this, if I was my boyfriend’s sister I would have never let my child near this woman. She is destructive, mean, and abusive. I have come to think of her as pathetic, needy, whiny, self-destructive, and helpless. But somehow she is able to keep her family on this puppet string and they do whatever they can to please her. She acts like some army general, doling out commandments and expecting no talk back or questioning. Let me just say I’m not about that, my own parents do not tell me what to do, well too much anyway. I’m not too big on authority I have no respect for.

She has dragged her youngest daughter around the house by her ponytail threatening to cut it off and swore at her, all because of a low grade. Then she joked about it in front of that daughter and taunted her about it.

She’s thrown fits about how my family treats my boyfriend, which is odd…. considering how badly she treats him. My family has treated him with kindness, openness, and caring. She has accused us of trying to steal him from her, turn him against her, and she has told him that he’s kicked out multiple times and he should live with us. Recently he admitted that she had been physically abusive with him. Now I’m terrified that she will severely hurt her youngest daughter. She’s the only one under 18 in the house and once her brothers leave she will be the only one to receive her mother’s attention. My boyfriend still lives at home because he can’t afford to move out… it’s a lovely situation.

You must be asking yourself at this point, “Why FeministBarbie, why didn’t you call social services on this woman?” Oh, I did. I told them everything. I cried during the conversation I was so upset. This woman is a monster who does not deserve her children. Everything that I have seen, heard, and learned about has lead me to believe she is an abusive, manic depressive, alcoholic who refuses to seek help. She takes her anger out on her children and husband and they put up with it. At first I pitied her and wanted her to get help, that’s why I called social services, but now I despise her. Social Services came and checked everything out. Either she tricked them or something because they found nothing wrong and went on their merry way. I know that I didn’t imagine witnessing someone abuse the people in their home, but apparently it’s okay with the state of Wisconsin.

Have I mentioned she owns a consignment shop? If you wish to check it out here’s a link https://www.facebook.com/altwdl. It’s called the Iron Dragonfly. She actually has really good items and they are for a fair price… that is if she doesn’t pick a fight with you because you have offended her. Sorry being a little passive aggressive here.

I can’t believe I put up with it for so long before snapping, apparently I’m a very patient and equally insane person. Before I got in a fight with her she was becoming slowly more passive aggressive and rude towards me. I don’t handle that bullshit well. Plus, she was mean to my mother, that shit don’t fly.

It all started on Facebook, as most stupid things do. She infrequently posted “family memes” on my fb, and I ignored them. It upset my mother because, well my mom has low self esteem. She’s a very sweet, understanding woman who, as far as I’ve known her, isn’t mean to anyone. I’m sure I’m biased because she’s my mom but everyone, except my boyfriend’s mom, agrees that she’s a sweet lady. My mom knows this woman doesn’t like her and it bothers her because everyone likes my mom.

Alright, now this part will probably sound stupid as to why I even confronted her, but she hit a nerve. The only way this woman shows affection is through Facebook, and usually it’s some sort of false affection toward others or it seems like she’s trying to prove to herself that she’s not all that bad.. So when you look at her page or her consignment page it’s all about god and love and sweet things.

So, my bf’s mother slowly started posting me in mother daughter posts. I’m sorry lady, but you are not my mother, you did not give birth to me, you did not raise me, you did not help me develop into the wonderful person I am today, and in no way are you anything like a real mother to your own children. You are cold, cruel, passive aggressive, rude, and bitter. I understand you wantedd to show that I am important to you, but that was not the way at all.

The post that broke the camel’s back and made me confront her went like this, “I love my daughters because they call me Mama.” Umm.. excuse me.. first of all eww, I’m dating your son and this makes it seem like we have some sort of unnatural relationship, second of all what the hell is wrong with your crazy ass, and thirdly I call my own mother mama!

I texted her something along the lines, please don’t tag me in mother daughter posts. Now, she had once told me that if anyone was allowed to stand up to her it was me, and I was thinking this was still true, but apparently not.

She replied with, I guess I don’t know you. Which is a very true statement. She doesn’t know my dreams, aspirations, favorite colors, what I like to watch, that I’m not a touchy feely person, or really anything about me at all. She never took the time to try, it was always about her. For as long as I have known the woman she always had the ability to, somehow, turn the conversation back to her and her life. So, as usually she made it about her. Oh, and everyone needs to feel bad for her because she got pregnant at 16, her first boyfriend beat her up, her first husband didn’t talk to her, and her current husband is a liar who doesn’t live up to her expectations. I was really shocked that she had, had such an awful life and then I learned, besides the first boyfriend, that it was usually her fault that things went south.

The reasons why I asked her to stop posting that stuff were; that it made me very uncomfortable, I have a loving mother and big family I don’t need her half-assed efforts, it made my mom upset, it made others think we had a stronger relationship than we did, and frankly I was sick of her acting like she was better than my mother in front of me.

So my reply to her nonsense was, no you really don’t. Because, hey, it was the truth. She was trying to either guilt trip me or do some sort of passive aggressive behavior and show how hurt she was, but I’m not really into that. I wish she had responded with, oh why? I’m sorry you feel that way. It kind of hurts that you feel that way. Or Really? I was just including you in the family. Something along those lines, anything that how she responded. “I guess I don’t really know you.” How much more cliched and unoriginal can you get?  At least give me something different than the normal crazy stupidness.

Well, she didn’t appreciate my response and informed me that if I no longer wanted to be apart of the family I didn’t have to be. I was no longer allowed in her home. She was just trying to include me in the family. She did everything in her power to make me feel welcome and so on. She said she knew that I had never really liked her and that she didn’t care anymore, or something.

I, personally, do not feel like she did everything in her power to make me feel apart of the family. She didn’t get to know me, she made me uncomfortable constantly, she was mean to people, and she was inconsiderate and intolerant of other’s feelings. Everyone was wrong and she was always right, she didn’t care how YOU felt it was how SHE felt. Of course, until this point it was never directed at me, but her overall behavior made me feel frightened and uneasy at her home.

I informed her that she was blowing things out of porportion, it was just Facebook and not a big deal. Of course I wanted to be a part of her family, (small lie, I wanted to be apart of the family that didn’t involve her) I just wanted to be involved as the future daughter-in-law. I wasn’t her daughter, she had two already. I could be her friend, (because she dearly needs one since she pisses them all off) and her daughter-in-law. I was not her daughter so I couldn’t be involved in it. I have a family. I said I did like her, just not at this moment when she was being so mean to me. (Another small lie, I do not like her. I do admit that when she is being a sane person she is awesome to be around and that’s the woman that I liked. But, that version of her doesn’t come out enough.)

She then informed me that she was angry and upset. That she never appreciated what I did for her youngest daughter. (I treated that girl very well, I tried to give her attention that she deserved and be her friend. I painted her room with her. I took her places. We went shopping. We bonded and I love that little girl like my own sister.) She tried to understand why I treated her daughter in such a way but could never see it. She continued to insult me and such. I don’t really remember what she all said, but basically that I was an awful person who didn’t deserve what she had given me in terms of “family”. God that woman is delusional. What she has is a bunch of people living in her house terrified of her. She also constantly referenced god and how she was a god fearing woman and that he had gotten her through life and she didn’t need people like me.

At this point I’m so pissed off I’m shaking. Most of the texts she’s sending me don’t make sense, she was probably drunk off her ass, and she was being down right mean to me. So I decided fine, I’ll just spit out the truth. I broke down the situation for her, basically you are kicking me out of your home and being cruel to me because I don’t want you to tag me in stuff on Facebook? You have blown this out of proportion and acted passive aggressively toward me, which I do not appreciate. I will not put up with your head games. I am not bipolar. (Ohhh yes she did call me bipolar, but she covered it up by saying the aura or whatever she called it was bipolar… okkk)

She took extreme offense to that, as I expected but at this point I didn’t give a fuck. She had already kicked me out and shown how she truly felt toward me. She said she was the least passive aggressive person she knew, she never manipulated anyone and that I had hurt her. (Which of course makes everything she said okay.) She informed me that my irrational fit had damaged my relationship with the family beyond repair. She never wanted to see me again and “I’ve tried to be nice up to this point but, FUCK OFF!!!!” Yes, that was a mature 47 year old woman telling a 20 year old woman to fuck off over the 20 year old telling her to not tag her in Facebook posts. You read it here folks.

My response was, oh my irrational fit… okkkkkkk. She told me to stop texting her. I was like are you really going to get mad over something like this? She texted me saying how she was laughing over how my texts sounded and that I was the one who looked bad. Then she said, I’m 47, I don’t get mad, I get rid of. She spelled a lot of things wrong at this point so this is mostly interpretation of what happened.

Now if we step back and look at this from her point of view I kind of get it. Her beloved son’s amazing girlfriend doesn’t want to be included in her loving posts on Facebook! How dare she! “I’ve known her for 3 years and she has been nothing but nice to me and supportive of my store (donating items, though she was really nice about me giving her not so nice stuff). Instead of being rational, and asking why this is happening or be straight forward and tell her I’m upset, I’m going to start a fight and see what happens!” That probably wasn’t going through her head but I have no other idea of how to interpret how things went down.

I’m also a little biased. She’s a bad person I got into a fight with, so of course I don’t see how my comments are bad. I admit I never should have taken the bait in the first place or called her passive aggressive and so on, but I had no idea it would turn into such nonsense. I try to be logical, I try not to freak out but I guess I let myself argue with a crazy person. I can admit my faults and the fact that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did, but I will never be sorry for asking her to stop. I should always have the right to stick up for myself, even over something as stupid as Facebook. In reality I don’t even get in fights like this, ever, so I guess I was due.

The next day she got so drunk that she passed out in her bedroom around 4pm. Then she went and sobbed to my boyfriend and his brother. My bf said he really couldn’t understand her, she just plain didn’t make sense. After that she was extremely happy. Her relationship with her husband improved, her store got a lot of attention, and she was super nice to her kids.

It’s been two months since this has happened. Since then I went from being able to see and talk to my boyfriends little sister to not being able to contact her at all. In the beginning I could because, “she didn’t want to rip me away from her”.  Then, apparently I paid too much attention to the girl. I gave her face wash, feminine products, and sent her two magazines. So sue me, that’s how I’ve always treated the kid. She knows that if she needs something she can ask me, because her mother is unreliable and her father is never around. I can spend my money on whatever I damn well please, it’s mine. Also, her father is whipped and mentally abused into thinking everything Mommy Dearest says is truth and gospel. I have seen him stand up to her maybe three times and it always ends in tragedy for him.

My boyfriend said his mom came to him about the magazines and stuff and threatened to kick him out over it. She lost her shit. She demanded that I apologize for all the mean and hurtful things I had said and that “it wasn’t finished”. I informed my bf that I had no intention of apologizing for things that I meant, if I hadn’t meant them I wouldn’t have said them. Maybe, she should take a good hard look at herself and realize she needs serious help. My boyfriend agreed, he really does not like the woman. I’m a little at odds over that because she is his mother, and just who doesn’t love their mother? He said that because of how awful she has been to him and his siblings he doesn’t think of her as a mother at all. She never acted like a mom so why think of her as one? He has stated that he basically raised himself.

So because of all that I can’t see the kid anymore. I’m really depressed about this, but the kid and I have created a lot of good memories that I hope she can look back and smile on. I hope I helped give her tools to learn how to love herself and know she is amazing, because she is. She’s very intelligent, an excellent basketball player and is driven beyond imagining. I hope she gets a basketball scholarship and gets the hell out of that house. My boyfriend told me that his sister has been staying at friend’s houses as much as possible, which makes me relieved.

My boyfriend and I are taking this pretty well. He’s called her a few choice words (not to her face) and we just hang out at my house all the time. It’s much better in my opinion, not so stressful, it’s peaceful, and my mom actually makes real food for dinner. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am so much happier. Her overall unhappiness had a pull on everyone around her. Misery loves company, and she sure loved to make others miserable.

I feel a lot better knowing she will never be at my wedding, at any of my birthday parties, at my college grad party, or be involved in the rest of my life. It’s stunning actually. It’s like, you think this huge negative force is going to be hanging around for a while and then, bam! It’s gone. Your whole future is clear of this thing and you never have to deal with it again. Now, I’m sure eventually I’ll have to deal with her, she still has all the stuff I gave her for her store I’d like it back one day, but for right now I’m content. I feel awful that my boyfriend and his family have to deal with her, but he just shrugs and says she doesn’t affect him too much. All I can hope for is that she doesn’t freak out and hurt her daughter or anyone around her, including herself. There is a part of me that still pities her and hopes she will be okay, but the rest of me hopes she will just go away and everyone will be okay.

She will never kick my boyfriend out, it’s just a way of trying to control him. It’s really a sick situation. He doesn’t make enough money to move out because, he is paying off his car and saving for school. His parents make him pay rent, which is basically just paying for his phone, insurance, and a little extra. I don’t really trust that the amount they are making him pay is correct, but whatever. He says that once his car is paid for he is out of there.

I’ve been told that she is acting very well lately and that everything seems to be okay. So apparently I’m such a threat to her happiness that once I am gone it makes her whole life better. What an insecure woman. If she had made real relationships with those around her maybe she wouldn’t feel this way. Instead she is distrustful and paranoid that everyone is out to ruin her life, when it’s the other way around. When people say that everyone lies what that really means is that THEY lie because they are projecting their own personalities on to others, and that is her basic motto. Don’t trust anyone! Everyone is a liar! She’s also a huge bigot… but I won’t even open that can of beans.

Recently I read a book about how abusive relationships happen. At first the abuser gets to know you and does everything right. They try to be as charming as possible and give their all to you. Then they tell you a sad story about their life that makes you want to protect them/be on their side. Once they are sure that you have fallen in love with them and they start acting out. They never start this behavior too early but right after the other person is deeply in love. They slowly start amping up their physical/verbal abuse. They want to see how far they can push you, they want to see that you will stay with them. The sick thing is that this is how they show love. Somewhere in the past someone they loved dearly or trusted savagely abused them, so they they think this is how you show love. The person experiencing the abuse becomes brainwashed and they eventually accept that this is how it is.

I recognized the abuser outline in my boyfriend’s mother. This is her basic MO with everyone.

If anyone wants to read the book here’s a link for it on amazon.  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312377452/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It’s the story of how a woman survived her abuser and left him. It’s a very informative book, but it gets hard to read at times. My heart was in my throat the whole time.

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