The problem with beauty is it becomes an obsession. Being called beautiful, in that exact moment that it happens you take stock of your physical appearance. What is this other person seeing? If I don’t agree with them is it because their definition of beauty different from mine or it is something else? Can I replicate this moment? How does the appreciation of my physical appearance affect how I’m treated? If I’m not beautiful one day will I no longer be wanted?

Being beautiful, pretty, attractive and so on isn’t bad. I just don’t think I am or think about my physical appearance until someone else mentions it. I try to look nice when the occasion calls for it and I don’t mind how I look. I just have such a reaction to the word beautiful, and it’s not positive. Beauty has always been associated with thin, blonde, white women. I’ve always been on the blonde spectrum with obvious whiteness, but I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit. I always felt like an oval peg trying to fit into a round whole, it almost fits but not quite.

Honestly, whenever I talk about how I feel like I don’t fit I feel like a whiner. I don’t suffer from racial discrimination. I’m only about 40 or 50 pounds overweight, not 100 or more. I’m healthy and have no disabilities besides terrible eyesight. It’s just that some part of me screams when I hear my physical self  being discussed good or bad. I want to discuss my thoughts and plans. How intelligent I can be.


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