Category Archives: adulthood

If you’re not scared you’re not paying attention.

Apparently, America is going through it’s Britney 2007 moment. As a country we are in crisis. We have a television mogul running for president who’s sexism, racism, and downright hatred would normally be criticized to no end. Instead, he has become the republican nominee. His call to action for hate has been answered by America. He spews hate and Americans eat it up. He’s only the nominee, what if he becomes president? Frankly, my horror cannot be expressed in words.

My thoughts can be summed up in one question that leads to more:

How can someone who’s whole premise is to get rid of those who are different lead a country that was established on the freedom to be different?

My shock at how many people out there support Trump astounds me. I can’t comprehend how fear has allowed this group to decide that Trump is the leader we need. They think Trump is amazing and will lead us out of this dark age that we have found ourselves in. These are Americans who are sick of struggling and want a quick fix. They believe their government has failed them and they are right. But guess what, we made our government.  WE voted for those idiots in Washington. WE are the government. Is the solution Trump? I sure as hell hope not. If he is, Democracy has failed.

Is Hillary the answer? I have no idea. Her brand of White Feminism also scares me. She has done amazing things for women and girls, but she has also made terrible choices that caused deaths of Americans. Is Bernie the answer? He promises things that will never be in America. He also has a white savior complex. Should we get behind the Green Party this year? It might be too late to back them.

I’m not ignore in the fact that Trump isn’t the cause of the current strife. The intolerance in America has always been there, but with Trump people aren’t afraid to hide anymore. Cops are being killed, civilians murdered, and hate crimes appear left and right. Trump has caused a resurgence of hate that hasn’t been seen in a long time. The hate was always there, but I think that now people think they can act on their hate.

I will not be voting for Trump. I refuse to be apart of the building of his type of empire. Hopefully, future generations will be asking us how we stopped him, not why we didn’t.

 

Bookish Box June Reveal

 

This month is classic novels. Bookish Box is a delightful way to get a surprise fix for book nerd delights. I loved every item I received, but the monthly cost was too much for my tiny pocket.

The tshirt was soft and fit perfect. The ring was a tad tight for my ring finger. The rest was great.

I’d suggest this box for those with excess income who enjoy book themed merchandise. It’s not worth the monthly cost for me to keep it up though.

Black Hole Sun

While I was growing up, my mother would always proudly state how fearless her daughter was. Onlookers would observe me driving a four wheeled object and wonder how I hadn’t broken my neck. There were times I was found traipsing through a woods, with no clue as to where I was going or what was out there. Nothing I drove was fast enough, nothing I did was scary enough. The only thing that would make me stop like a paralyzed rabbit was my father’s raised voice and my mother’s quiet response.

In those days I had no concept of death or boundaries. I lived life as if I didn’t touch the ground, and then I cut my own strings and fell to earth. I just remember waking up no longer happy or fearless. I was full of anger and it consumed me. But anger burns out fast and leaves sadness behind. Then once the sadness dries away, you have nothing. Then to go along with all of it were moments of panic attacks that left me paralyzed.

I went through cycles of anger, sadness, and nothingness. My father grew distant and my mother learned what patience meant. My brother would just ask why I was like this, his voice full of hurt. Eventually, I learned to control my outsides when my insides were like a ship in a storm.

After all these years, even after no longer feeling such extremes, but I still live with this cycle. Now happiness has finally appeared again.  A professional would say what I experience is a form of depression and I should seek help. A professional would be correct, but I still struggle alone.

So what’s my point? I’ve lived with this blackness on my heart for so long, but I lived. I’ve loved others when there were days I felt nothing for myself. I’ve crawled to the top of this hole and looked around to enjoy beauty outside myself. I recognized those with the same darkness and felt kinship.

I’m not easy to love when I get suck back the bottom, and I’m always sorry for that. I lash out at inappropriate times and I bottle up my hurt. To seek help and to change is scary. Anything new is scary. I guess I’ve known this feeling for so long, I’m scared to feel anything else. This is me and if I feel different am I no longer myself? It’s also very weird. I can go for long stretches now feeling happy upbeat and amazing. I look at myself and smile. I feel great! Then at least once a month I get pulled back down into hell. My temper is shortened and I cry so much. Sleep is impossible. Then after a week or two I’m back up again, where I assume a normal person is.

Just when I think I’m standing I get kicked back down.

I’m pretty positive it’s not bipolar, just your everyday depression. I’ve never cared about it affecting others because adults understand that sometimes someone needs space. Now I care because there is a small person in my life who looks up to me. She thinks I’m amazing, and I’m not, but I want to be for her. So, maybe I should get help. Something is clearly not right. I mean it’s not getting any worse, but it’s not good.

 

Birtchbox May 2016

I received my first $10 Birtchbox this month, and I was very impressed.

My favorite item I received was a sample of Vera Wang’s Appleberry Champagne perfume. The sent is very strong and pleasant. In fact, I spilt some on my bed and it made my room smell for two days. The large size is around $50 and the small is around $30. I would definitely buy it full price. It reminds me of autumn days at a apple orchard.

I also loved the Cargo blush/bronzer. It gave my face a healthy glow and didn’t feel cakey. The color would be good for most skin tones, except possibly the lightest.

The Coola sunscreen smelled amazing! Once it absorbed into my skin it wasn’t greasy. It’s perfect for the on the go person who wants quick absorption.

The Berts Bees lip tint was the only product I had previously owned. It was slightly pinker than my lips, which is a look I normally rock. I would suggest it for pale to tan skin tones, but it might get lost on a darker tone.

The final product was the Beauty Protector for hair. I’m not big on hair products and usually dry and go. If anything I’ll put mousse in my hair and straighten it. So this product was not meant for me and my hair knew it. I sprayed it through my hair and brushed it out. The smell was great, as with all the products, but my hair became greasy and icky feeling. I used it as a detangler for my friends 4 year old and it was amazing. So, it’s a bit or miss product for me.

Birtchbox is a great way to sample Beaty products without the commitment. I highly suggest it for those of you who like to try new and exciting things.