My friend Clifford is raising money to open a small town tea shop. Click here to donate and learn more.
Cliff’s passion is tea and making his own soap, which you can check out here.
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You can’t control anyone’s words or actions except your own. (Make this your mantra, it will save you so much time and energy) Obviously everyone “knows” this but do they actually comprehend it? From the strict parents to the passive aggressive significant others or even the controlling friends we encounter- do they realize they can’t actually make you do what they want? They sure seem to think so. Just by acting a certain way to try manipulating you they seem to think that you will do what they want. It becomes easier to recognize these tactics in others, but it’s harder to see this in ourselves.
Every time we get upset because our friend didn’t do what WE wanted! How dare they hurt us in this manner! It’s as if we identify them satisfying their own needs as hurting us, instead of them just doing what they want. Now you may be thinking, “I don’t do this! I don’t manipulate people when they do what I don’t want them to do! They are free spirits! Able to do whatever they wish!”
Have you ever caught yourself pouting? Having angry thoughts about someone, just because they decided they wanted to stay in instead of party with you? Maybe you use sarcasm to try and make them regret the decision they made. Do you mention “that one time” they let you down as much as possible? There are many other childish tactics to show your displeasure when someone disappoints you, such as crying or yelling. Do not fret if you catch yourself reacting badly to these things. As soon as you recognize that your behavior is less than ideal, that’s when you can begin to modify it.
I grew up with young parents and let’s just say their arguments could turn childish pretty fast. Name calling, throwing things, pouting, crying- basically both of them threw adult tantrums. Obviously, they grew up and mostly grew out of their childish ways, but old habits die hard. My mom will resort to pouting and tears when she’s upset and my father either yells a lot, slams something, or goes outside to commune with nature (shoot something like a rabbit). Eventually they deal with their problems and talk it out like adults. But, is there a way to deal with arguments and disagreements without the extreme emotions? Why can’t we just talk it out like rational people?
Growing up in this type of environment affected me. I’m not saying they fought a lot, but I always knew when they did. So my argument tactics included two extremes: yelling a lot and being really angry to not speaking at all and crying a bunch while I watch historical fiction. Showing emotion and being upset are natural healthy ways to deal with problems, but when does it go to far? Or when does bottling up emotion go to far? Either extremes are what I think of as adult tantrums. Yelling and going on and on without letting the other person put a word in and acting like a child who got their favorite toy taken away is not conducive to a relationship. Sitting down and voicing your problems with the person you have an issue with is healthier. Locking yourself in your room and crying until you’ve locked your problem away is not very healthy either.
You may be thinking at this point, “Yeah yeah that’s all fine and dandy, but how do I even start to modify my behavior?” First recognize what you are doing that is wrong.
My boyfriend and I have completely different arguing styles and it kind of drives me nuts. His mother is constantly in full blown adult tantrum mode. She’s like a gun with a hair trigger, itching to go off. He’s learned to stay silent and turn to stone. He’s like a rock weathering a storm. This is completely foreign to me. I expect reactions and emotion, anything really, so when I don’t get reactions from what I say it’s like wait… what do I do? I want a reaction to know he’s listening and that he understands how I feel. But, when he acts like a rock it makes me stop and actually think about what I am saying.
We have grown in our argument style where sometimes he reacts and actually talks to me and responds to what I say. I cry less and get angry less, and act like an adult. He even asks, “What’s wrong?” when I get upset. When I’m angry he hears about it, when I’m sad I stay silent. He can deal with my anger, but my sadness or “pouting” as he calls it, drives him nuts. Currently I am working on not crying as much and not getting as angry. Just because he wants to stay home on a Friday and play video games with his friends doesn’t mean I have the right to get upset and be mad at him. Even though we’ve been together four years I still expect to spend time with him every Friday, and that’s an illogical expectation.
So that brings me to my second step; take a breath. When you feel yourself getting out of control or irrational take a breath and say, “Am I being unreasonable? Are my expectations for this other person to do what I want irrational? Should I really be angry in this situation? Is disappointment really a reaction I should be having?” Remember, they are their own person. They have the right to decide to do what they want. They are a separate entity on this earth. Their sole purpose isn’t to please you, but to please themselves. They have the ability to be selfless but their self-care is more important than the care they give to you. Just as your self-care is more important than the care you give them. If you take a moment and have a break with these thoughts it will help move you forward. Instead of yelling or pouting try this, “I’m upset with you right now. I’m feeling very emotional about it. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. When you do______________, it hurts my feelings because it feels like you don’t care/your ignoring me or _________”. I’ve been getting much better at doing this and adding humor to the situation. I usually say, I know I’m being illogical about the situation but this is how I feel. Sometimes I can’t help but cry when I have extreme emotions but that’s ok because I am trying to work through it in an adult way.
What if you are dealing with a person who is throwing an adult tantrum? Just let them do it. Sometimes we all need to just get the emotions out. Listen to what they are saying and think about it. Why are they upset that you canceled on them? Why are they upset that you decided not to do that certain thing for them? Have you not been paying much attention to them lately? Are you distracted in your own life and you haven’t been telling them about it? Is your lack of self-care affecting your relationship?
Once they have stopped yelling/crying/whatever, talk to them calmly. Don’t go to bat with them with equal emotions. In these situations there needs to be a calm voice. Try something like this, “It sounds like you are upset with me because__________” “I’m sorry that you are upset. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” “What can I do in the future so you won’t feel this way again?” “Sometimes I have to be away from you or just do what I want so I can be a better person when I am with you. I only have so much time to give and I’d rather be fully there with you rather than distracted.”
Hopefully this will help those of you dealing with these types of situations! Any questions don’t be afraid to ask!
So as my readers may know, my bf’s mom no longer considers me a worthy friend to her younger daughter. Recently, she found out we were talking anyway. Well, today that situation got even more fucked in the head.
My bf’s older sister teaches a dance class and today she had an event that I was invited to and I had told her I was going to. Turns out the younger sister I was not supposed to see was there also, I did not know this fact going there. So, I show up with my friend and we see them, and we don’t think much of it-we just have fun! Later I wanted to say good bye to the older sister and tell her how awesome she did teaching the class. Either she did not hear us call her name or she ignored me. My feelings are a bit hurt if its the second one, but I can’t really blame her. It was a weird situation and a weird moment. I just would have felt bad leaving and not letting her know I came.
What’s really weird is that she and I are on very good terms and I wouldn’t have thought her ignoring me would happen. I plan on ignoring it and letting her take the next move. Maybe she never heard or saw me?
After a long car ride, in which I discussed the whole sordid tale with my friend, I found that my day wasn’t over.
I come home to a message from the little sister on a picture of me n my friend. I told my bf and he was like it’s not her it’s my mom. So not only did she creep on my stuff but she pretended to be her kid… weirdo. So I went through and deleted and blocked anything to do with the kid. (Which I should have done in the first place but I’m dumb) Then I had a long grumpy discussion about the whole thing with my bf.
I’m so angry, frustrated, and sad. My side of the problem is nothing compared to the poor kids who have the woman as their mother, but still this isn’t fun for me either. I get shut down about something stupid and then she punishes her kids for it. I’m ready for my bf to move out. He says it’s over
Some good stuff did happen today
though! I saw my grandma, I had fun with my friend, and a glow stick exploded in my car!
Click here to start from the beginning of this situation.
My brother is an all around American Boy. He’s a wrestler, football player, and track star. He’s also incredibly smart and believes in justice. He wants to be a police officer one day. Check out his wrestling moves from last year here.
Have you ever had an out of body experience? Or moments where your life feels surreal? Or even thought, “Hell, this isn’t happening to me!” This is my life every time I have an interaction with my boyfriend’s mother. This woman is the most evil, spiteful, lying, crazy person I have ever met. I didn’t listen to my own mother when she said, “Watch out for her, she may like you now but one day you will displease her and she will treat you like shit.” Low and behold, about a year ago, it happened. If you would like to read about it click here. It’s a tad long and confusing but worth it. This post is just an update.
So, basically I ignored the woman and hung out with my BF’s little sister as much as possible. Whenever we could we did stuff and visited places. The problem is that the little idiot didn’t delete any of the texts so her mom recently checked her phone and found out. She was a bit miffed. Turns out she’s still not over what happened a year ago, and is deeply disturbed by my actions. MY ACTIONS! That drunk is like Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to life and my actions are disturbing. I understand that it is wrong to hang out with a kid when their parent disproves, but this kid is my boyfriend’s little sister. She needs me. Her mother neglects her and I’m the next closest thing since her older sister is far away. I can’t say no when the kid asks me to hang out, I love her like my own sister. Now that her mother knows we disobeyed her impossible restrictions, I can truly no longer see the kid until she’s eighteen. She says she will move in with us.
She is the worst mother and human being on the planet. She is just evil. She hides behind God and having “raised children for 33 years”. Just because your kids turned out mostly okay doesn’t mean it was because of you, it was in spite of you. They all have this ridiculous urge to please you even when they don’t want to. Her kids will need extensive therapy in order to get over her “love”.
I am just so frustrated. To the outside world she appears to be this wonderful person who gives her all. She has herself convinced that because she was a mom for so long she can be done now. She picks and chooses when to be a mom, I’m sorry lady you cannot do that. Once you are a mom you are one for life. Sure, you can have nice things and go places, but when your children suffer from your actions guess what? You are a shitty mom.
There’s no way to convince her she’s the one who needs to change. She’s the one who needs to realize she hurts us. I refuse to apologize to someone who acts like she’s sixteen. Maybe that makes me a little bit childish, but I’m only 21 she’s 50.
I thought that when I found the person I would spend the rest of my life with that his parents would be just as wonderful as mine. I would be able to respect them and see them as great humans who created the man I would marry. I mean, if he’s wonderful why wouldn’t his parents be also? I was delusional. I am so disappointed and discouraged. It’s such a reality check to get served with this. I guess it was childish to expect respectful and kind in-laws. It was childish to think I could add more great people to my already wonderful family. I am so used to love from a big family that I forgot that it’s not true for everyone. I thought that because of who I am I could surge forth and nothing could hurt me. I can’t be stopped or taken down. This woman destroyed the future I had in my head and I am angry. I will get over this childish moment, but it still hurts. Is it so unreasonable to ask for good in-laws? Is it unreasonable to ask for a happy family?
The fault doesn’t completely lie with her. I could have backed down and not been so stubborn. I could have accepted her as the evil woman she is, but I don’t stand for verbal or physical abuse. No one treats me or my family badly. She is fiercely protective of herself and her family, so we do have some things in common. Maybe one day after she gets help for her alcoholism and depression we can fix things. Until then she is not allowed near me or my family. She won’t be at my wedding. She won’t touch or see my children if I have any. She doesn’t exist to me.
I have been dating my boyfriend for three years, I love him dearly and I’m pretty sure this is forever. His family is overall wonderful and sweet. He has an older sister, younger brother, and younger sister. I get along with all of them and I got along with his parents up until about mid-June.
Now, his stepfather isn’t the one I don’t get along with, he’s just on his wife’s side; which I completely understand. To give you a bigger picture of what my boyfriend’s mother is like let me flesh out her character.
My boyfriend was very nervous for me to meet his mother and at the time I didn’t know why, she seemed normal. In fact when I first got to know her I thought she was a strong feminist, loving, fun, and energetic woman. At the time I wasn’t dating my bf, that didn’t happen until six months into our friendship. Anyway, she was very open and kind to me, and she continued to be up until June.
Then after a few weeks I started to see why my boyfriend was nervous. His mother would scream “The Girl!” whenever I would enter their home and would refer to me as “The Girl” to everyone. After a while the “nickname” got to me. I have a name a wonderful name… she never used it. She drank… a lot… At the time I thought it was just because I happened to be around when she drank, now I have an inkling that she’s a raging alcoholic. She would get in fights with strangers about ridiculous things that were none of her business. At the time I thought it was because she stood up for what she believed in, now I think it’s because she drama-vampire (those who feed/live off of dramatic situations).
Every day it seemed she lived on a vicarious edge between brilliant and insane. She kicked in the basement window because my boyfriend wasn’t fast enough coming upstairs. She kicked in the house door window, because she was locked out. I saw her kick their dog. She would get in physical fights with her husband and scratch him. She’s kicked her husband out multiple times, but he always returns. She threatens to kill herself when she doesn’t get her way. She’s called her oldest daughter a liar, a bitch, and many other awful names. She’s accused this daughter of trying to keep her grandchild away from her. Let me just say this, if I was my boyfriend’s sister I would have never let my child near this woman. She is destructive, mean, and abusive. I have come to think of her as pathetic, needy, whiny, self-destructive, and helpless. But somehow she is able to keep her family on this puppet string and they do whatever they can to please her. She acts like some army general, doling out commandments and expecting no talk back or questioning. Let me just say I’m not about that, my own parents do not tell me what to do, well too much anyway. I’m not too big on authority I have no respect for.
She has dragged her youngest daughter around the house by her ponytail threatening to cut it off and swore at her, all because of a low grade. Then she joked about it in front of that daughter and taunted her about it.
She’s thrown fits about how my family treats my boyfriend, which is odd…. considering how badly she treats him. My family has treated him with kindness, openness, and caring. She has accused us of trying to steal him from her, turn him against her, and she has told him that he’s kicked out multiple times and he should live with us. Recently he admitted that she had been physically abusive with him. Now I’m terrified that she will severely hurt her youngest daughter. She’s the only one under 18 in the house and once her brothers leave she will be the only one to receive her mother’s attention. My boyfriend still lives at home because he can’t afford to move out… it’s a lovely situation.
You must be asking yourself at this point, “Why FeministBarbie, why didn’t you call social services on this woman?” Oh, I did. I told them everything. I cried during the conversation I was so upset. This woman is a monster who does not deserve her children. Everything that I have seen, heard, and learned about has lead me to believe she is an abusive, manic depressive, alcoholic who refuses to seek help. She takes her anger out on her children and husband and they put up with it. At first I pitied her and wanted her to get help, that’s why I called social services, but now I despise her. Social Services came and checked everything out. Either she tricked them or something because they found nothing wrong and went on their merry way. I know that I didn’t imagine witnessing someone abuse the people in their home, but apparently it’s okay with the state of Wisconsin.
Have I mentioned she owns a consignment shop? If you wish to check it out here’s a link https://www.facebook.com/altwdl. It’s called the Iron Dragonfly. She actually has really good items and they are for a fair price… that is if she doesn’t pick a fight with you because you have offended her. Sorry being a little passive aggressive here.
I can’t believe I put up with it for so long before snapping, apparently I’m a very patient and equally insane person. Before I got in a fight with her she was becoming slowly more passive aggressive and rude towards me. I don’t handle that bullshit well. Plus, she was mean to my mother, that shit don’t fly.
It all started on Facebook, as most stupid things do. She infrequently posted “family memes” on my fb, and I ignored them. It upset my mother because, well my mom has low self esteem. She’s a very sweet, understanding woman who, as far as I’ve known her, isn’t mean to anyone. I’m sure I’m biased because she’s my mom but everyone, except my boyfriend’s mom, agrees that she’s a sweet lady. My mom knows this woman doesn’t like her and it bothers her because everyone likes my mom.
Alright, now this part will probably sound stupid as to why I even confronted her, but she hit a nerve. The only way this woman shows affection is through Facebook, and usually it’s some sort of false affection toward others or it seems like she’s trying to prove to herself that she’s not all that bad.. So when you look at her page or her consignment page it’s all about god and love and sweet things.
So, my bf’s mother slowly started posting me in mother daughter posts. I’m sorry lady, but you are not my mother, you did not give birth to me, you did not raise me, you did not help me develop into the wonderful person I am today, and in no way are you anything like a real mother to your own children. You are cold, cruel, passive aggressive, rude, and bitter. I understand you wantedd to show that I am important to you, but that was not the way at all.
The post that broke the camel’s back and made me confront her went like this, “I love my daughters because they call me Mama.” Umm.. excuse me.. first of all eww, I’m dating your son and this makes it seem like we have some sort of unnatural relationship, second of all what the hell is wrong with your crazy ass, and thirdly I call my own mother mama!
I texted her something along the lines, please don’t tag me in mother daughter posts. Now, she had once told me that if anyone was allowed to stand up to her it was me, and I was thinking this was still true, but apparently not.
She replied with, I guess I don’t know you. Which is a very true statement. She doesn’t know my dreams, aspirations, favorite colors, what I like to watch, that I’m not a touchy feely person, or really anything about me at all. She never took the time to try, it was always about her. For as long as I have known the woman she always had the ability to, somehow, turn the conversation back to her and her life. So, as usually she made it about her. Oh, and everyone needs to feel bad for her because she got pregnant at 16, her first boyfriend beat her up, her first husband didn’t talk to her, and her current husband is a liar who doesn’t live up to her expectations. I was really shocked that she had, had such an awful life and then I learned, besides the first boyfriend, that it was usually her fault that things went south.
The reasons why I asked her to stop posting that stuff were; that it made me very uncomfortable, I have a loving mother and big family I don’t need her half-assed efforts, it made my mom upset, it made others think we had a stronger relationship than we did, and frankly I was sick of her acting like she was better than my mother in front of me.
So my reply to her nonsense was, no you really don’t. Because, hey, it was the truth. She was trying to either guilt trip me or do some sort of passive aggressive behavior and show how hurt she was, but I’m not really into that. I wish she had responded with, oh why? I’m sorry you feel that way. It kind of hurts that you feel that way. Or Really? I was just including you in the family. Something along those lines, anything that how she responded. “I guess I don’t really know you.” How much more cliched and unoriginal can you get? At least give me something different than the normal crazy stupidness.
Well, she didn’t appreciate my response and informed me that if I no longer wanted to be apart of the family I didn’t have to be. I was no longer allowed in her home. She was just trying to include me in the family. She did everything in her power to make me feel welcome and so on. She said she knew that I had never really liked her and that she didn’t care anymore, or something.
I, personally, do not feel like she did everything in her power to make me feel apart of the family. She didn’t get to know me, she made me uncomfortable constantly, she was mean to people, and she was inconsiderate and intolerant of other’s feelings. Everyone was wrong and she was always right, she didn’t care how YOU felt it was how SHE felt. Of course, until this point it was never directed at me, but her overall behavior made me feel frightened and uneasy at her home.
I informed her that she was blowing things out of porportion, it was just Facebook and not a big deal. Of course I wanted to be a part of her family, (small lie, I wanted to be apart of the family that didn’t involve her) I just wanted to be involved as the future daughter-in-law. I wasn’t her daughter, she had two already. I could be her friend, (because she dearly needs one since she pisses them all off) and her daughter-in-law. I was not her daughter so I couldn’t be involved in it. I have a family. I said I did like her, just not at this moment when she was being so mean to me. (Another small lie, I do not like her. I do admit that when she is being a sane person she is awesome to be around and that’s the woman that I liked. But, that version of her doesn’t come out enough.)
She then informed me that she was angry and upset. That she never appreciated what I did for her youngest daughter. (I treated that girl very well, I tried to give her attention that she deserved and be her friend. I painted her room with her. I took her places. We went shopping. We bonded and I love that little girl like my own sister.) She tried to understand why I treated her daughter in such a way but could never see it. She continued to insult me and such. I don’t really remember what she all said, but basically that I was an awful person who didn’t deserve what she had given me in terms of “family”. God that woman is delusional. What she has is a bunch of people living in her house terrified of her. She also constantly referenced god and how she was a god fearing woman and that he had gotten her through life and she didn’t need people like me.
At this point I’m so pissed off I’m shaking. Most of the texts she’s sending me don’t make sense, she was probably drunk off her ass, and she was being down right mean to me. So I decided fine, I’ll just spit out the truth. I broke down the situation for her, basically you are kicking me out of your home and being cruel to me because I don’t want you to tag me in stuff on Facebook? You have blown this out of proportion and acted passive aggressively toward me, which I do not appreciate. I will not put up with your head games. I am not bipolar. (Ohhh yes she did call me bipolar, but she covered it up by saying the aura or whatever she called it was bipolar… okkk)
She took extreme offense to that, as I expected but at this point I didn’t give a fuck. She had already kicked me out and shown how she truly felt toward me. She said she was the least passive aggressive person she knew, she never manipulated anyone and that I had hurt her. (Which of course makes everything she said okay.) She informed me that my irrational fit had damaged my relationship with the family beyond repair. She never wanted to see me again and “I’ve tried to be nice up to this point but, FUCK OFF!!!!” Yes, that was a mature 47 year old woman telling a 20 year old woman to fuck off over the 20 year old telling her to not tag her in Facebook posts. You read it here folks.
My response was, oh my irrational fit… okkkkkkk. She told me to stop texting her. I was like are you really going to get mad over something like this? She texted me saying how she was laughing over how my texts sounded and that I was the one who looked bad. Then she said, I’m 47, I don’t get mad, I get rid of. She spelled a lot of things wrong at this point so this is mostly interpretation of what happened.
Now if we step back and look at this from her point of view I kind of get it. Her beloved son’s amazing girlfriend doesn’t want to be included in her loving posts on Facebook! How dare she! “I’ve known her for 3 years and she has been nothing but nice to me and supportive of my store (donating items, though she was really nice about me giving her not so nice stuff). Instead of being rational, and asking why this is happening or be straight forward and tell her I’m upset, I’m going to start a fight and see what happens!” That probably wasn’t going through her head but I have no other idea of how to interpret how things went down.
I’m also a little biased. She’s a bad person I got into a fight with, so of course I don’t see how my comments are bad. I admit I never should have taken the bait in the first place or called her passive aggressive and so on, but I had no idea it would turn into such nonsense. I try to be logical, I try not to freak out but I guess I let myself argue with a crazy person. I can admit my faults and the fact that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did, but I will never be sorry for asking her to stop. I should always have the right to stick up for myself, even over something as stupid as Facebook. In reality I don’t even get in fights like this, ever, so I guess I was due.
The next day she got so drunk that she passed out in her bedroom around 4pm. Then she went and sobbed to my boyfriend and his brother. My bf said he really couldn’t understand her, she just plain didn’t make sense. After that she was extremely happy. Her relationship with her husband improved, her store got a lot of attention, and she was super nice to her kids.
It’s been two months since this has happened. Since then I went from being able to see and talk to my boyfriends little sister to not being able to contact her at all. In the beginning I could because, “she didn’t want to rip me away from her”. Then, apparently I paid too much attention to the girl. I gave her face wash, feminine products, and sent her two magazines. So sue me, that’s how I’ve always treated the kid. She knows that if she needs something she can ask me, because her mother is unreliable and her father is never around. I can spend my money on whatever I damn well please, it’s mine. Also, her father is whipped and mentally abused into thinking everything Mommy Dearest says is truth and gospel. I have seen him stand up to her maybe three times and it always ends in tragedy for him.
My boyfriend said his mom came to him about the magazines and stuff and threatened to kick him out over it. She lost her shit. She demanded that I apologize for all the mean and hurtful things I had said and that “it wasn’t finished”. I informed my bf that I had no intention of apologizing for things that I meant, if I hadn’t meant them I wouldn’t have said them. Maybe, she should take a good hard look at herself and realize she needs serious help. My boyfriend agreed, he really does not like the woman. I’m a little at odds over that because she is his mother, and just who doesn’t love their mother? He said that because of how awful she has been to him and his siblings he doesn’t think of her as a mother at all. She never acted like a mom so why think of her as one? He has stated that he basically raised himself.
So because of all that I can’t see the kid anymore. I’m really depressed about this, but the kid and I have created a lot of good memories that I hope she can look back and smile on. I hope I helped give her tools to learn how to love herself and know she is amazing, because she is. She’s very intelligent, an excellent basketball player and is driven beyond imagining. I hope she gets a basketball scholarship and gets the hell out of that house. My boyfriend told me that his sister has been staying at friend’s houses as much as possible, which makes me relieved.
My boyfriend and I are taking this pretty well. He’s called her a few choice words (not to her face) and we just hang out at my house all the time. It’s much better in my opinion, not so stressful, it’s peaceful, and my mom actually makes real food for dinner. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am so much happier. Her overall unhappiness had a pull on everyone around her. Misery loves company, and she sure loved to make others miserable.
I feel a lot better knowing she will never be at my wedding, at any of my birthday parties, at my college grad party, or be involved in the rest of my life. It’s stunning actually. It’s like, you think this huge negative force is going to be hanging around for a while and then, bam! It’s gone. Your whole future is clear of this thing and you never have to deal with it again. Now, I’m sure eventually I’ll have to deal with her, she still has all the stuff I gave her for her store I’d like it back one day, but for right now I’m content. I feel awful that my boyfriend and his family have to deal with her, but he just shrugs and says she doesn’t affect him too much. All I can hope for is that she doesn’t freak out and hurt her daughter or anyone around her, including herself. There is a part of me that still pities her and hopes she will be okay, but the rest of me hopes she will just go away and everyone will be okay.
She will never kick my boyfriend out, it’s just a way of trying to control him. It’s really a sick situation. He doesn’t make enough money to move out because, he is paying off his car and saving for school. His parents make him pay rent, which is basically just paying for his phone, insurance, and a little extra. I don’t really trust that the amount they are making him pay is correct, but whatever. He says that once his car is paid for he is out of there.
I’ve been told that she is acting very well lately and that everything seems to be okay. So apparently I’m such a threat to her happiness that once I am gone it makes her whole life better. What an insecure woman. If she had made real relationships with those around her maybe she wouldn’t feel this way. Instead she is distrustful and paranoid that everyone is out to ruin her life, when it’s the other way around. When people say that everyone lies what that really means is that THEY lie because they are projecting their own personalities on to others, and that is her basic motto. Don’t trust anyone! Everyone is a liar! She’s also a huge bigot… but I won’t even open that can of beans.
Recently I read a book about how abusive relationships happen. At first the abuser gets to know you and does everything right. They try to be as charming as possible and give their all to you. Then they tell you a sad story about their life that makes you want to protect them/be on their side. Once they are sure that you have fallen in love with them and they start acting out. They never start this behavior too early but right after the other person is deeply in love. They slowly start amping up their physical/verbal abuse. They want to see how far they can push you, they want to see that you will stay with them. The sick thing is that this is how they show love. Somewhere in the past someone they loved dearly or trusted savagely abused them, so they they think this is how you show love. The person experiencing the abuse becomes brainwashed and they eventually accept that this is how it is.
I recognized the abuser outline in my boyfriend’s mother. This is her basic MO with everyone.
If anyone wants to read the book here’s a link for it on amazon. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312377452/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
It’s the story of how a woman survived her abuser and left him. It’s a very informative book, but it gets hard to read at times. My heart was in my throat the whole time.
My maternal grandma can be a difficult woman sometimes… a bit of a control freak. A good example would be how she arranged my mother’s wedding. My mom was 21 when she got married and she had given birth to me at 19; so basically she had lived way more of her life at an age that she shouldn’t be worrying about this stuff. But my mom basically got a fairy tale wedding, she had the seven bridesmaids, beautiful music, a cute flower girl… and a dress she hated.
I have said in a previous post that my mom is petite, five feet tall. She is into clean lines and modern looks. So the dress she wanted for herself was a-line, white, it had off the shoulder bow sleeves, and a long pretty train. It would’ve matched her bridesmaid dresses, which were basically the same except there weren’t long trains and the sleeves on each dress were different pastel color of the rainbow. It was a very 90s wedding, except for the wedding gown because my grandma had other ideas for my mom…
My grandma had a rush wedding. She was young and in love… and nineteen… So she didn’t get the wedding she wanted. The dress she picked for my mom was what my grandma dreamed of; poofy, heavy, beaded to death, and did not match my mom’s wedding at all. My grandma tried to pass my aunt’s similarly beaded heavy dress onto me, “To hold onto, because it’s so pretty and you!!” No grandma, it’s you…. I didn’t say that but I declined. I maybe my my mother’s daughter but I have enough of my father to have the ability to say hell no!
Side-note, my mom has a matching obsession that she has passed onto me, somewhat. My brother and I wore complimentary colors in our school pictures so she could know what year they were from, and when hung on the wall they would look nice. So I’m sure when her wedding dress wasn’t a part of the picture she wasn’t happy.
Of course my mom didn’t fight for what she wanted (She has issues saying no) so she got the Monster Dress. I was afraid of the damn thing. I wouldn’t go near my mom on her wedding day and cried when people tried to put me next to her.
It was a beautiful wedding, people still talk about it when weddings come up. My mom had a good time but she always regrets not getting the dress she wanted. Now, whenever we watch Say Yes to the Dress or something and there are crazy moms, she promises to never behave like them or her mom. I will have the dress of my dreams. I can’t help but love her even more when she says stuff like that, my mom is an amazing selfless woman and I am so lucky to have her. She could keep the cycle of not allowing me to make decisions for myself, but she doesn’t. My dad is amazing too but more in a… humorous, jock, dude, but smart guy way.
On the wedding day my dad was supposed to wear dress shoes that matched his suit and he did until… the reception. That man changed into white gym shoes making my mom freak out. “It’s like he thought I wouldn’t notice!!!” Oh, my dad.. he probably hoped she wouldn’t notice. He also had his mom perm his hair. *face palm* Those poor wedding pictures.
Anyway, this post is dedicated to my mom’s wedding escapades and how they made her a better person. She has dealt with a lot in her life, but always made sure I got the best. This is for great moms everywhere.
I knit. A lot.
My mother is not a knitter, in fact she is anti-homemade knits. When I first told her I was going to start knitting she had a stricken look on her face and said “Oh, that’s nice,” which my mother never does. Then, when my grandmother found out I was knitting, she bought my mother yarn for her birthday so I could knit my mother a scarf. A strange display of logic, I know, but that is my grandma.
After this happened I found out why my mom was anti-knits. When she was growing up her family didn’t have a lot of money, and she had two brothers and a sister. This caused a few problems including my grandmother learning how to knit.
My grandma is an artsy fartsy woman who just missed the hippie boat in the 60’s and 70’s. She’s a tad flaky and bi-polar at times but I love her. Anyway, whenever she starts a project she usually doesn’t stick with it long… except for knitting. This is usually a good thing, considering yarn itself is way cheaper than store bought hats and such, but my grandma wasn’t exactly a good knitter at the time.
Every year she would make my mom and her siblings hats, gloves, and scarves. My grandma liked to use big needles and a lot of yarn… The result would be gloves and hats that didn’t keep out the cold and scarves that were much too large for a small child. (And my mother was always tiny) My mom is five feet tall and her entire life she has looked like she is way younger than she is. So imagine a three foot tall child trying to wrap themselves in a hole filled scarf that is taller than she is… by a lot… Plus, the hats and gloves let snow through and would unravel right away. My grandma was not a knitter… she thought she was though…and by the time I came around she could knit very well, but my poor mother had to suffer for years before that happened.
My mom said that when she would try to pawn them off on other children no one wanted them, so she got stuck with these awful objects. She used to have nightmares about it, being trapped under scarves or having gloves that just wouldn’t stop unraveling.
After she told me all of this she said, “I’m sorry sweetie but I will never want a homemade scarf,” This made me a little sad but I got over it and got really good at knitting. Then everyone in my circle wanted a hat or a scarf, I haven’t graduated to gloves yet, now I have enough orders to keep me busy along with school and work. I am not the most advanced knitter but I love it, and it’s amazing to be able to make something with my own hands.
I also love crocheting. I make the cutest little creatures! There’s a huge debate in the yarn world with Knit vs Crochet and what is better. Do you dear reader have an opinion or a funny family story?