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While I was growing up, my mother would always proudly state how fearless her daughter was. Onlookers would observe me driving a four wheeled object and wonder how I hadn’t broken my neck. There were times I was found traipsing through a woods, with no clue as to where I was going or what was out there. Nothing I drove was fast enough, nothing I did was scary enough. The only thing that would make me stop like a paralyzed rabbit was my father’s raised voice and my mother’s quiet response.
In those days I had no concept of death or boundaries. I lived life as if I didn’t touch the ground, and then I cut my own strings and fell to earth. I just remember waking up no longer happy or fearless. I was full of anger and it consumed me. But anger burns out fast and leaves sadness behind. Then once the sadness dries away, you have nothing. Then to go along with all of it were moments of panic attacks that left me paralyzed.
I went through cycles of anger, sadness, and nothingness. My father grew distant and my mother learned what patience meant. My brother would just ask why I was like this, his voice full of hurt. Eventually, I learned to control my outsides when my insides were like a ship in a storm.
After all these years, even after no longer feeling such extremes, but I still live with this cycle. Now happiness has finally appeared again. A professional would say what I experience is a form of depression and I should seek help. A professional would be correct, but I still struggle alone.
So what’s my point? I’ve lived with this blackness on my heart for so long, but I lived. I’ve loved others when there were days I felt nothing for myself. I’ve crawled to the top of this hole and looked around to enjoy beauty outside myself. I recognized those with the same darkness and felt kinship.
I’m not easy to love when I get suck back the bottom, and I’m always sorry for that. I lash out at inappropriate times and I bottle up my hurt. To seek help and to change is scary. Anything new is scary. I guess I’ve known this feeling for so long, I’m scared to feel anything else. This is me and if I feel different am I no longer myself? It’s also very weird. I can go for long stretches now feeling happy upbeat and amazing. I look at myself and smile. I feel great! Then at least once a month I get pulled back down into hell. My temper is shortened and I cry so much. Sleep is impossible. Then after a week or two I’m back up again, where I assume a normal person is.
Just when I think I’m standing I get kicked back down.
I’m pretty positive it’s not bipolar, just your everyday depression. I’ve never cared about it affecting others because adults understand that sometimes someone needs space. Now I care because there is a small person in my life who looks up to me. She thinks I’m amazing, and I’m not, but I want to be for her. So, maybe I should get help. Something is clearly not right. I mean it’s not getting any worse, but it’s not good.
Whenever horrible events happen in the world, there is moral outrage and efforts to rectify the wrong. People come together to donate blood, open their homes to others, raise money, and so on. Humans also look to blame someone for the event. Be it a group or a person, we wish to have someone punished for the wrong committed against our fellow man.By desiring to carry out what we think is the natural process of justice we usually go after the wrong groups in order to satisfy our anger.
When a natural disaster happens we blame Mother Nature and Global Warming. From there the debates on whether or not Global Warming is real or not tends to overshadow the actual event. Then we blame the deniers and those who produce too much carbon. In the effort to find blame we forget that the problem isn’t over. Nothing happens to help the situation and those suffering continue to suffer.
When mankind is responsible for death and destruction anyone similar to those guilty are also punished even if there is no connection. Refugees are denied safety, Muslims are attacked and called terrorists, people of color are called thugs and shot, and in the end human kind loses even more. We debate the moral rights of owning guns, religious rights, and freedom in general. Should we limit freedoms of a people in the name of safety? Should we take guns away, or add more guns? Should we deny entrance into our country? Should we close our borders? Should we help other countries in need? Should we bomb someone? At the the end of the day there are so many what ifs and questions… No one is willing to admit that we don’t know what we are doing.
WE don’t know how to protect ourselves or others. We can’t predict the future, so we don’t know the best way to proceed in any situation. The only thing we can do is guess and hope we don’t regret our decision. People always say that if they were in charge there wouldn’t be anymore problems. I always cringe at the people who assume leadership is easy and natural, their naive natures worry me.
The world isn’t black and white, there are grey areas everywhere. We can’t point fingers and say so and so is bad or good. If we want to think of ourselves as higher evolved than monkeys, we need to start using our higher processes and not our initial instincts. We need to let go of our petty bitterness. We need to start helping each other, but how the hell can we do that? How can we help change the world when everyone has a different picture of what it should be?
Individuals always assume their view of the world is how it should be. In the process of trying to make the world they want, they end up destroying someone’s way of life. It’s always so easy to say that you are doing something for the betterment of the world, it’s much harder to admit you are just doing actions for yourself. Desiring to get rid of a group of people for the benefit of the world is a dangerous mindset, no matter if that group is good or evil. Fighting fire with fire just makes the whole world burn to the ground.
*Disclaimer; I’m not blaming my generation as a whole, men as a whole, women as a whole, or anyone else for that matter. Just because I’ve observed a trend in my life does not make it a truth for the world. Everyone has their own experience and truths that counter other people’s.*
After being in a long term relationship, and currently in one that is about to end due to distance, I find that my old notions about romance and love are changing. At some point I went from chasing after the dream of forever to considering a person for a short time. I’ve become okay with only seeing someone for a short period of time and then moving on when it’s deemed suitable. I’ve found that no matter how long or short a relationship, you will learn and become better after it. I am left with questions and observations from my experiences that I’m not sure how to deal with.
I have to wonder what has brought on my change of mind and heart. Has my severe heartbreak over the summer caused this? Is it a generation concept? Is it becoming older and realizing I don’t need someone? I no longer want to need someone more than I need to breathe. I just want to be able to want someone and have them want me back. It’s not enough to just like or even love someone, you have to have a want for them. A want to be with someone and yet still retain you’re own identity. My whole concept of love and romance has changed. I no longer can read romantic slop and be okay with it. Movies with cheap romance makes me want to die. Am I bitter? All I know is that sappy romantic gestures leave me disgusted and yet wistful.
I find that I try so hard at everything I do, but at this point I don’t want to have to try so hard with men. It should be easy and simple. You like me? I like you. Let’s see if we will work out. Then we both try the same amount and find out if our desires are the same in life. If it doesn’t work out we leave each other not in anger but sadness. I’m just so tired and I wish that someone would come along and help me instead of make me work.
I feel so tired of men who don’t care to try. There’s a stereotype that women are dramatic and wishy washy. In my experience I have been steadfast and always set on my goals. I know what I want for the most part and I strive for my wants. It’ s the men I date who can’t decide what they want. I’m tired of people who can’t make a decision. Is it so hard to ask for someone who knows what they want? Really, what I desire isn’t that complicated. I want someone who shows up when they say they will, who communicates what’s going on in their life, who knows what they want, who’s honest, intelligent, and kind. All other attributes fall away. I don’t have time for boys who play games, and I don’t care to “break” them in.
Men are so melodramatic when it comes to love. They make it seem like the end of the world that they have feelings of any kind. So you like me? Get the fuck over it and do something about it. I can’t read your mind, and if I like you I would have told you. I am very apparent in my feelings and I don’t hide from them. I can’t help how I feel, and neither can you. Now, I know that on one hand I’m saying feel how you want and then on the other I’m telling you to get over it. I guess what I want is for people to feel how they like but then be open and honest. If you like me but don’t know how to deal with it, just say it out loud. We will deal with it from there.
Are Millenials even able to have loving and meaningful relationships? That’s an idea that’s been rolling around in my head the past few days. Considering the major changes in the past 20 or so years due to technology, has it killed love? OR have we just not found a way to invent a new way of romance? I’ve found a pattern of respect for others servery lacking and respect for own self even worse. How does one combat self doubt and not project insecurities onto others? For all our ways to communicate, we seem to not be able to communicate face to face. Why are we so afraid to say out loud what’s in our heads? Where does this fear to express come from? How do we combat it?
There’s a saying that all actions are motivated by either love or fear, but what do you do when those two emotions are at odds? I’ve always thought that if someone wanted me enough they would be able to combat the fear of intimacy because they feared losing me. Now, I realize after losing the one person I thought I could never live without, that’s hogwash. I thought I couldn’t keep living… but I did. I thought I’d never get out of bed… but I did. I thought I couldn’t care or love again… but I did. I thought that my future was over… but I was wrong. By living and continuing on, I now know that we don’t need others to live. WE only need ourselves and our own motivation. Sure, it’s a lonely concept, but does that mean we have to be alone? I want to be with someone, because hell I’m awesome and anyone would be lucky to love me. I also think that I can be with someone while still holding these ideas to be true. Just because you want someone doesn’t mean you need them.
I’m no closer to figuring out life than I was before, but I feel better about who I am and where I am going.