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I can’t remember the last time I felt at ease in my body. Possibly it’s before I can even remember, or that the feeling of disconnection is so strong that it erases the love I once felt. I look at this shell and I can’t see myself. My insides don’t match the form I now stride around in.
Sometimes I forget what I look like and then I am shocked into reality when I catch a glimpse of myself. My inner self feels beautiful, strong, sexy, and intelligent. My outer self is… A smudged version of what I feel.
This disconnection between who I feel I am and what I look like confuses me. Am I so twisted by societal influence that I can’t find my body amazing? Am I missing something? I am told over and over that I am adequate. I have good features and a nice frame. I merely shrug when complimented, because I honestly feel no attachment to the looks. I do not look in the mirror and smile at my myself.
Shouldnt I greet my own face as if it’s a long lost friend? Shouldn’t I give myself the same treatment as someone I love?
This Sunday I’m showcasing a youtube comedian I’ve been watching for about five years. She always has fresh and hilarious material. Honestly, this woman deserves far more than the half a million views she’s been receiving. Show the lady some love and watch her videos, and as always share.
I was so excited to graduate. I could start planning for gradschool, getting my career going, and living with the love of my life. Unfortunately… or fortunately one of those plans went awry. My boyfriend of nearly five year broke up with me. He was the first person that I had love with my whole heart and was willing to do anything for. Apparently, he no longer loved me. Who knows when that happened or what caused it, but it was too late to fix it. I begged, I sobbed, I wrote him a letter, I called him, I texted him… Then I accepted it.
The worst part about the break up wasn’t the fact that I had to move on. It was the memories of everything we shared. Every day I am haunted by things we’ve done and things he had told me. I could be making dinner and be assaulted by the time we fucked up making shrimp scampi… we mixed up the flour with sugar. When I drive I hear his voice in the back of my head telling me to not drive so close to the person in front of me. I’ll watch shows we used to obsess over and imagine him holding my hand.
Every day it gets easier and I forget him a little bit more. I meet other men and realize there are good guys out there who find me adorable and sexy. As I heal I realize that my ex wasn’t ready for the next step in our lives. Adulthood is a scary thing and if you aren’t ready you will resist. I want to be with someone who is driven, who makes me laugh, and who is ready for anything. I need positive people in my life, and he was so negative that it was painful at times. He was battling depression and I tried to help the best I could. He no longer wanted my help or my support, and I accept that. I hope that one day he will find peace and happiness away from his depression and negativity. I want him to be happy and healthy with someone who can be better to him than I ever could be.
As for me, I moved far away from my home town and I have a great job. I plan on going to grad school next year. I’ve also started preparing myself to date again. I’m planning on slowly meeting guys and figuring out what I really want in a relationship. I’ve grown a lot from losing him. This was the most painful and heartbreaking experience of my life. I thought we were going to grow old together. One of the most surreal parts of this whole thing is realizing that I am far happier than I’ve been in a year. I still miss him and love him, but that doesn’t mean I need to be with him. I just need to do what’s best for me and not worry about him. I’ve learned that you should always choose your own happiness.
It gets much easier when you accept that life doesn’t turn out as you plan. I’ve become more flexible and I laugh easier. I enjoy life more and I try to be with the people I love as much as possible. Every moment is precious and we have to live to the fullest or we will miss it. Sometimes terrible things happen and wonderful things come from these happenings.