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*Disclaimer; I’m not blaming my generation as a whole, men as a whole, women as a whole, or anyone else for that matter. Just because I’ve observed a trend in my life does not make it a truth for the world. Everyone has their own experience and truths that counter other people’s.*
After being in a long term relationship, and currently in one that is about to end due to distance, I find that my old notions about romance and love are changing. At some point I went from chasing after the dream of forever to considering a person for a short time. I’ve become okay with only seeing someone for a short period of time and then moving on when it’s deemed suitable. I’ve found that no matter how long or short a relationship, you will learn and become better after it. I am left with questions and observations from my experiences that I’m not sure how to deal with.
I have to wonder what has brought on my change of mind and heart. Has my severe heartbreak over the summer caused this? Is it a generation concept? Is it becoming older and realizing I don’t need someone? I no longer want to need someone more than I need to breathe. I just want to be able to want someone and have them want me back. It’s not enough to just like or even love someone, you have to have a want for them. A want to be with someone and yet still retain you’re own identity. My whole concept of love and romance has changed. I no longer can read romantic slop and be okay with it. Movies with cheap romance makes me want to die. Am I bitter? All I know is that sappy romantic gestures leave me disgusted and yet wistful.
I find that I try so hard at everything I do, but at this point I don’t want to have to try so hard with men. It should be easy and simple. You like me? I like you. Let’s see if we will work out. Then we both try the same amount and find out if our desires are the same in life. If it doesn’t work out we leave each other not in anger but sadness. I’m just so tired and I wish that someone would come along and help me instead of make me work.
I feel so tired of men who don’t care to try. There’s a stereotype that women are dramatic and wishy washy. In my experience I have been steadfast and always set on my goals. I know what I want for the most part and I strive for my wants. It’ s the men I date who can’t decide what they want. I’m tired of people who can’t make a decision. Is it so hard to ask for someone who knows what they want? Really, what I desire isn’t that complicated. I want someone who shows up when they say they will, who communicates what’s going on in their life, who knows what they want, who’s honest, intelligent, and kind. All other attributes fall away. I don’t have time for boys who play games, and I don’t care to “break” them in.
Men are so melodramatic when it comes to love. They make it seem like the end of the world that they have feelings of any kind. So you like me? Get the fuck over it and do something about it. I can’t read your mind, and if I like you I would have told you. I am very apparent in my feelings and I don’t hide from them. I can’t help how I feel, and neither can you. Now, I know that on one hand I’m saying feel how you want and then on the other I’m telling you to get over it. I guess what I want is for people to feel how they like but then be open and honest. If you like me but don’t know how to deal with it, just say it out loud. We will deal with it from there.
Are Millenials even able to have loving and meaningful relationships? That’s an idea that’s been rolling around in my head the past few days. Considering the major changes in the past 20 or so years due to technology, has it killed love? OR have we just not found a way to invent a new way of romance? I’ve found a pattern of respect for others servery lacking and respect for own self even worse. How does one combat self doubt and not project insecurities onto others? For all our ways to communicate, we seem to not be able to communicate face to face. Why are we so afraid to say out loud what’s in our heads? Where does this fear to express come from? How do we combat it?
There’s a saying that all actions are motivated by either love or fear, but what do you do when those two emotions are at odds? I’ve always thought that if someone wanted me enough they would be able to combat the fear of intimacy because they feared losing me. Now, I realize after losing the one person I thought I could never live without, that’s hogwash. I thought I couldn’t keep living… but I did. I thought I’d never get out of bed… but I did. I thought I couldn’t care or love again… but I did. I thought that my future was over… but I was wrong. By living and continuing on, I now know that we don’t need others to live. WE only need ourselves and our own motivation. Sure, it’s a lonely concept, but does that mean we have to be alone? I want to be with someone, because hell I’m awesome and anyone would be lucky to love me. I also think that I can be with someone while still holding these ideas to be true. Just because you want someone doesn’t mean you need them.
I’m no closer to figuring out life than I was before, but I feel better about who I am and where I am going.
I was so excited to graduate. I could start planning for gradschool, getting my career going, and living with the love of my life. Unfortunately… or fortunately one of those plans went awry. My boyfriend of nearly five year broke up with me. He was the first person that I had love with my whole heart and was willing to do anything for. Apparently, he no longer loved me. Who knows when that happened or what caused it, but it was too late to fix it. I begged, I sobbed, I wrote him a letter, I called him, I texted him… Then I accepted it.
The worst part about the break up wasn’t the fact that I had to move on. It was the memories of everything we shared. Every day I am haunted by things we’ve done and things he had told me. I could be making dinner and be assaulted by the time we fucked up making shrimp scampi… we mixed up the flour with sugar. When I drive I hear his voice in the back of my head telling me to not drive so close to the person in front of me. I’ll watch shows we used to obsess over and imagine him holding my hand.
Every day it gets easier and I forget him a little bit more. I meet other men and realize there are good guys out there who find me adorable and sexy. As I heal I realize that my ex wasn’t ready for the next step in our lives. Adulthood is a scary thing and if you aren’t ready you will resist. I want to be with someone who is driven, who makes me laugh, and who is ready for anything. I need positive people in my life, and he was so negative that it was painful at times. He was battling depression and I tried to help the best I could. He no longer wanted my help or my support, and I accept that. I hope that one day he will find peace and happiness away from his depression and negativity. I want him to be happy and healthy with someone who can be better to him than I ever could be.
As for me, I moved far away from my home town and I have a great job. I plan on going to grad school next year. I’ve also started preparing myself to date again. I’m planning on slowly meeting guys and figuring out what I really want in a relationship. I’ve grown a lot from losing him. This was the most painful and heartbreaking experience of my life. I thought we were going to grow old together. One of the most surreal parts of this whole thing is realizing that I am far happier than I’ve been in a year. I still miss him and love him, but that doesn’t mean I need to be with him. I just need to do what’s best for me and not worry about him. I’ve learned that you should always choose your own happiness.
It gets much easier when you accept that life doesn’t turn out as you plan. I’ve become more flexible and I laugh easier. I enjoy life more and I try to be with the people I love as much as possible. Every moment is precious and we have to live to the fullest or we will miss it. Sometimes terrible things happen and wonderful things come from these happenings.
My boyfriend recently turned 22 on October 3rd and on the 4th I threw my boyfriend a surprise party.
Around August was when I decided to throw him one, so this was in the works for a while. He had been talking about some rough childhood memories and I decided that the kind and caring man I love so much deserved a party to show him how much everyone loved him. My boyfriend hasn’t had the best life and he deserves better than the hand he’s been dealt. If you have read my previous posts you know about his family and how his mom treats everyone like dirt. I just feel so sad because the childhood I had was full of great parties, loving holidays, and warmth… his wasn’t. Sure, he had parties when he was little but in comparison to what I’ve experienced they weren’t full of the love and care mine were. I’m not talking about the size or money spent but the love and time spent to create and give. So I became determined to create an event that showcased how much I loved him and how much everyone else did too.
My mother and I planned it to be at a bar and have pizza and drinks. We would keep it simple and just expect everyone to be there at 7 to have fun. I did the inviting and overall planning, my mom did the buying and cupcake making. I even invited his work friends, very sneakily I might add! Not everyone I invited came, and not everyone who said they would come came. (Which kinda pisses me off). I still appreciate all the people who did come and I love how successful the night was.
My boyfriend thought we were going to the bar to pick up money from my mom, so when we went inside and everyone was there he was just shocked. He had been expecting a surprise, but he didn’t know exactly what. Once he had made all his rounds and everyone had laughed and shared stories about how we tricked him, he hugged me so hard. He held me in front of everyone and just about cried he was so happy. Every picture I took of him that night he was smiling and I’m so glad I could do that for him. We made so many memories with the people we love and we gave my boyfriend a night of pure giving that he hadn’t experienced in a long time.
This experience made me think about love and how we show love. I’m a very giving and vocal person, so gifts and paragraphs of adoration are my thing. I have a hard time with showing physically how much I love someone, touching and hugging isn’t my forte. My boyfriend on the other hand is quiet and shows his appreciation through touch and hugs. I feel as if it is unfair to compare these two different types of expressions and expect one person to be more one or the other if they have a hard time of it. Sure, that person can work on it, but that doesn’t mean they will be able to change their immediate form of love. People were telling my boyfriend that he now had to top my surprise party when he proposed to me. I don’t agree. He doesn’t have to do anything but show he loves me in his own way, that’s the best. When we expect others to adhere to our wishes or do what we think they should do, it only causes disappointment. However my boyfriend shows his love to me is fine and I will never expect certain ideals from him other than being treated well.