While I was growing up, my mother would always proudly state how fearless her daughter was. Onlookers would observe me driving a four wheeled object and wonder how I hadn’t broken my neck. There were times I was found traipsing through a woods, with no clue as to where I was going or what was out there. Nothing I drove was fast enough, nothing I did was scary enough. The only thing that would make me stop like a paralyzed rabbit was my father’s raised voice and my mother’s quiet response.
In those days I had no concept of death or boundaries. I lived life as if I didn’t touch the ground, and then I cut my own strings and fell to earth. I just remember waking up no longer happy or fearless. I was full of anger and it consumed me. But anger burns out fast and leaves sadness behind. Then once the sadness dries away, you have nothing. Then to go along with all of it were moments of panic attacks that left me paralyzed.
I went through cycles of anger, sadness, and nothingness. My father grew distant and my mother learned what patience meant. My brother would just ask why I was like this, his voice full of hurt. Eventually, I learned to control my outsides when my insides were like a ship in a storm.
After all these years, even after no longer feeling such extremes, but I still live with this cycle. Now happiness has finally appeared again. A professional would say what I experience is a form of depression and I should seek help. A professional would be correct, but I still struggle alone.
So what’s my point? I’ve lived with this blackness on my heart for so long, but I lived. I’ve loved others when there were days I felt nothing for myself. I’ve crawled to the top of this hole and looked around to enjoy beauty outside myself. I recognized those with the same darkness and felt kinship.
I’m not easy to love when I get suck back the bottom, and I’m always sorry for that. I lash out at inappropriate times and I bottle up my hurt. To seek help and to change is scary. Anything new is scary. I guess I’ve known this feeling for so long, I’m scared to feel anything else. This is me and if I feel different am I no longer myself? It’s also very weird. I can go for long stretches now feeling happy upbeat and amazing. I look at myself and smile. I feel great! Then at least once a month I get pulled back down into hell. My temper is shortened and I cry so much. Sleep is impossible. Then after a week or two I’m back up again, where I assume a normal person is.
Just when I think I’m standing I get kicked back down.
I’m pretty positive it’s not bipolar, just your everyday depression. I’ve never cared about it affecting others because adults understand that sometimes someone needs space. Now I care because there is a small person in my life who looks up to me. She thinks I’m amazing, and I’m not, but I want to be for her. So, maybe I should get help. Something is clearly not right. I mean it’s not getting any worse, but it’s not good.
I received my first $10 Birtchbox this month, and I was very impressed.
My favorite item I received was a sample of Vera Wang’s Appleberry Champagne perfume. The sent is very strong and pleasant. In fact, I spilt some on my bed and it made my room smell for two days. The large size is around $50 and the small is around $30. I would definitely buy it full price. It reminds me of autumn days at a apple orchard.
I also loved the Cargo blush/bronzer. It gave my face a healthy glow and didn’t feel cakey. The color would be good for most skin tones, except possibly the lightest.
The Coola sunscreen smelled amazing! Once it absorbed into my skin it wasn’t greasy. It’s perfect for the on the go person who wants quick absorption.
The Berts Bees lip tint was the only product I had previously owned. It was slightly pinker than my lips, which is a look I normally rock. I would suggest it for pale to tan skin tones, but it might get lost on a darker tone.
The final product was the Beauty Protector for hair. I’m not big on hair products and usually dry and go. If anything I’ll put mousse in my hair and straighten it. So this product was not meant for me and my hair knew it. I sprayed it through my hair and brushed it out. The smell was great, as with all the products, but my hair became greasy and icky feeling. I used it as a detangler for my friends 4 year old and it was amazing. So, it’s a bit or miss product for me.
Birtchbox is a great way to sample Beaty products without the commitment. I highly suggest it for those of you who like to try new and exciting things.
I can’t remember the last time I felt at ease in my body. Possibly it’s before I can even remember, or that the feeling of disconnection is so strong that it erases the love I once felt. I look at this shell and I can’t see myself. My insides don’t match the form I now stride around in.
Sometimes I forget what I look like and then I am shocked into reality when I catch a glimpse of myself. My inner self feels beautiful, strong, sexy, and intelligent. My outer self is… A smudged version of what I feel.
This disconnection between who I feel I am and what I look like confuses me. Am I so twisted by societal influence that I can’t find my body amazing? Am I missing something? I am told over and over that I am adequate. I have good features and a nice frame. I merely shrug when complimented, because I honestly feel no attachment to the looks. I do not look in the mirror and smile at my myself.
Shouldnt I greet my own face as if it’s a long lost friend? Shouldn’t I give myself the same treatment as someone I love?
The problem with beauty is it becomes an obsession. Being called beautiful, in that exact moment that it happens you take stock of your physical appearance. What is this other person seeing? If I don’t agree with them is it because their definition of beauty different from mine or it is something else? Can I replicate this moment? How does the appreciation of my physical appearance affect how I’m treated? If I’m not beautiful one day will I no longer be wanted?
Being beautiful, pretty, attractive and so on isn’t bad. I just don’t think I am or think about my physical appearance until someone else mentions it. I try to look nice when the occasion calls for it and I don’t mind how I look. I just have such a reaction to the word beautiful, and it’s not positive. Beauty has always been associated with thin, blonde, white women. I’ve always been on the blonde spectrum with obvious whiteness, but I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit. I always felt like an oval peg trying to fit into a round whole, it almost fits but not quite.
Honestly, whenever I talk about how I feel like I don’t fit I feel like a whiner. I don’t suffer from racial discrimination. I’m only about 40 or 50 pounds overweight, not 100 or more. I’m healthy and have no disabilities besides terrible eyesight. It’s just that some part of me screams when I hear my physical self being discussed good or bad. I want to discuss my thoughts and plans. How intelligent I can be.
(Discussing period type things, be warned)
So, after a year of hearing the wonders of the Diva Cup I decided to check it out. I bought mine at Target in the tampon aisle.
For those of you who have no idea what a Diva Cup is, it’s a silicone cup that is inserted into the vaginal canal to catch your period on it’s way out. The box indicates that it can be left in for 10-12 hours and there should be no leaks if inserted correctly. To gain more specifics you can find the website here. I highly suggest doing your own research before investing, it is a $40 item.
The first thing I want to say about the cup is that it’s incredibly weird. If you’re not used to sticking your hands up inside your business, you better get used to it real fast. I didn’t have to change a tampon or pad every few hours, so the only reminder of my period was when I emptied the cup and when I was experiencing cramps. Also, if you are sickened by your period, this product is not for you. This month I got really close and personal to my period in ways that I had never imagined. It was oddly satisfying to empty the cup out and see all of nonsense leaving my body.
If you’re thinking it’s similar to using a tampon, you might want to start rethinking that idea. Tampons are a no mess option in comparison to this thing, but I’ve found the cup is far more comfortable than tampons. I have a tilted uterus and my vaginal area is small. I’ve had problems with Tampax being too long for me to be comfortable. I made the comment to my roommate I didn’t feel the cup at all, it was like a ghost cup. If you can feel the cup it’s probably inserted wrong and you will leak.
The biggest problem I’ve had is insertion and getting the damn thing out. Only by getting in the lowest squatting position can I get the cup in and out. I’ve had the most success putting it in and taking it out in the shower. After insertion you have to rotate the cup to make sure it’s opened properly. That can be a messy process. Honestly, I’ve never had more of a mess during my period than learning how to use this cup. It’s a rather gross business.
Once it was in properly I’ve had only a couple problems. On my heaviest day I had to empty the cup every couple of hours rather than the 12. It was not a fun experience and I almost gave up on the damn thing. I suggest wearing a pad on heavy days or a liner. I can’t imagine having to empty this cup in a public restroom on a heavy day.
On my lighter days it was a very convenient thing. It didn’t leak and I was able to live life as if I wasn’t on my period. The cup is very revolutionary in some ways, and is a pain in the arse in others. Pads and tampons are way easier to use and are less likely to be used incorrectly. That being said, I didn’t fill up my waste basket with period garbage and I didn’t have to sit in a pad full of blood.
Next month may be easier. I’ve decided that investing in pantie liners in case of leaks would be a good plan. I had a few leaks on heavy days. I also ordered no leak period underwear.
I think the cup is a good investment, it just takes some getting used to. I’m going to go to the website and look through advice to help me for next time. I’m also thinking about investing in a pair of those Thinx panties. If I do I’ll let you know my thoughts.
This Sunday I’m showcasing a youtube comedian I’ve been watching for about five years. She always has fresh and hilarious material. Honestly, this woman deserves far more than the half a million views she’s been receiving. Show the lady some love and watch her videos, and as always share.
Whenever horrible events happen in the world, there is moral outrage and efforts to rectify the wrong. People come together to donate blood, open their homes to others, raise money, and so on. Humans also look to blame someone for the event. Be it a group or a person, we wish to have someone punished for the wrong committed against our fellow man.By desiring to carry out what we think is the natural process of justice we usually go after the wrong groups in order to satisfy our anger.
When a natural disaster happens we blame Mother Nature and Global Warming. From there the debates on whether or not Global Warming is real or not tends to overshadow the actual event. Then we blame the deniers and those who produce too much carbon. In the effort to find blame we forget that the problem isn’t over. Nothing happens to help the situation and those suffering continue to suffer.
When mankind is responsible for death and destruction anyone similar to those guilty are also punished even if there is no connection. Refugees are denied safety, Muslims are attacked and called terrorists, people of color are called thugs and shot, and in the end human kind loses even more. We debate the moral rights of owning guns, religious rights, and freedom in general. Should we limit freedoms of a people in the name of safety? Should we take guns away, or add more guns? Should we deny entrance into our country? Should we close our borders? Should we help other countries in need? Should we bomb someone? At the the end of the day there are so many what ifs and questions… No one is willing to admit that we don’t know what we are doing.
WE don’t know how to protect ourselves or others. We can’t predict the future, so we don’t know the best way to proceed in any situation. The only thing we can do is guess and hope we don’t regret our decision. People always say that if they were in charge there wouldn’t be anymore problems. I always cringe at the people who assume leadership is easy and natural, their naive natures worry me.
The world isn’t black and white, there are grey areas everywhere. We can’t point fingers and say so and so is bad or good. If we want to think of ourselves as higher evolved than monkeys, we need to start using our higher processes and not our initial instincts. We need to let go of our petty bitterness. We need to start helping each other, but how the hell can we do that? How can we help change the world when everyone has a different picture of what it should be?
Individuals always assume their view of the world is how it should be. In the process of trying to make the world they want, they end up destroying someone’s way of life. It’s always so easy to say that you are doing something for the betterment of the world, it’s much harder to admit you are just doing actions for yourself. Desiring to get rid of a group of people for the benefit of the world is a dangerous mindset, no matter if that group is good or evil. Fighting fire with fire just makes the whole world burn to the ground.