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*Disclaimer; I’m not blaming my generation as a whole, men as a whole, women as a whole, or anyone else for that matter. Just because I’ve observed a trend in my life does not make it a truth for the world. Everyone has their own experience and truths that counter other people’s.*
After being in a long term relationship, and currently in one that is about to end due to distance, I find that my old notions about romance and love are changing. At some point I went from chasing after the dream of forever to considering a person for a short time. I’ve become okay with only seeing someone for a short period of time and then moving on when it’s deemed suitable. I’ve found that no matter how long or short a relationship, you will learn and become better after it. I am left with questions and observations from my experiences that I’m not sure how to deal with.
I have to wonder what has brought on my change of mind and heart. Has my severe heartbreak over the summer caused this? Is it a generation concept? Is it becoming older and realizing I don’t need someone? I no longer want to need someone more than I need to breathe. I just want to be able to want someone and have them want me back. It’s not enough to just like or even love someone, you have to have a want for them. A want to be with someone and yet still retain you’re own identity. My whole concept of love and romance has changed. I no longer can read romantic slop and be okay with it. Movies with cheap romance makes me want to die. Am I bitter? All I know is that sappy romantic gestures leave me disgusted and yet wistful.
I find that I try so hard at everything I do, but at this point I don’t want to have to try so hard with men. It should be easy and simple. You like me? I like you. Let’s see if we will work out. Then we both try the same amount and find out if our desires are the same in life. If it doesn’t work out we leave each other not in anger but sadness. I’m just so tired and I wish that someone would come along and help me instead of make me work.
I feel so tired of men who don’t care to try. There’s a stereotype that women are dramatic and wishy washy. In my experience I have been steadfast and always set on my goals. I know what I want for the most part and I strive for my wants. It’ s the men I date who can’t decide what they want. I’m tired of people who can’t make a decision. Is it so hard to ask for someone who knows what they want? Really, what I desire isn’t that complicated. I want someone who shows up when they say they will, who communicates what’s going on in their life, who knows what they want, who’s honest, intelligent, and kind. All other attributes fall away. I don’t have time for boys who play games, and I don’t care to “break” them in.
Men are so melodramatic when it comes to love. They make it seem like the end of the world that they have feelings of any kind. So you like me? Get the fuck over it and do something about it. I can’t read your mind, and if I like you I would have told you. I am very apparent in my feelings and I don’t hide from them. I can’t help how I feel, and neither can you. Now, I know that on one hand I’m saying feel how you want and then on the other I’m telling you to get over it. I guess what I want is for people to feel how they like but then be open and honest. If you like me but don’t know how to deal with it, just say it out loud. We will deal with it from there.
Are Millenials even able to have loving and meaningful relationships? That’s an idea that’s been rolling around in my head the past few days. Considering the major changes in the past 20 or so years due to technology, has it killed love? OR have we just not found a way to invent a new way of romance? I’ve found a pattern of respect for others servery lacking and respect for own self even worse. How does one combat self doubt and not project insecurities onto others? For all our ways to communicate, we seem to not be able to communicate face to face. Why are we so afraid to say out loud what’s in our heads? Where does this fear to express come from? How do we combat it?
There’s a saying that all actions are motivated by either love or fear, but what do you do when those two emotions are at odds? I’ve always thought that if someone wanted me enough they would be able to combat the fear of intimacy because they feared losing me. Now, I realize after losing the one person I thought I could never live without, that’s hogwash. I thought I couldn’t keep living… but I did. I thought I’d never get out of bed… but I did. I thought I couldn’t care or love again… but I did. I thought that my future was over… but I was wrong. By living and continuing on, I now know that we don’t need others to live. WE only need ourselves and our own motivation. Sure, it’s a lonely concept, but does that mean we have to be alone? I want to be with someone, because hell I’m awesome and anyone would be lucky to love me. I also think that I can be with someone while still holding these ideas to be true. Just because you want someone doesn’t mean you need them.
I’m no closer to figuring out life than I was before, but I feel better about who I am and where I am going.